Too Big

Looks like Heidi Montag is starting to regret her plastic surgery. Well, no shit! You look like a fucking train wreck. She said her boobs are the worst because they’re too big and painful for her to perform her daily activities. She wants to reduce her G cup size to a D or double D. She originally wanted an H cup because her name starts with an H! She’s way too tiny for that. I can’t believe she hasn’t fallen over yet. And to top it all off, the plastic surgeon that did her 10 reconstructions died in a car accident one week after her surgery. How sad is that? So now she needs to find a new doctor I guess. If Spencer was really the main reason behind all of her plastic surgeries, than I feel sorry for her. To regret the fact that you completely altered your body isn’t good. Having your breasts be too big is one thing, but to hate your face and the rest of your body is awful. It can never be changed back. I’m still hoping this was all a stunt and she will run in front of the cameras and rip off a mask and reveal her original face.

It's Finally Over

We all saw this coming, yet I'm still a little shocked by it. Heidi Montag has filed for divorce, but that's not the part that surprises me. The part that knocked me a little is the fact that Spencer said the marriage and drama was all for the show and he thought the priest who married them was an actor. He said that since the marriage and love was all for the show there's no reason to remain married. Ouch. He fought so hard for her and it was all just for show. He made her change everything and it was all just for show. I feel so bad for Heidi. She went through all that plastic surgery for him and was quoted saying she regrets it. Poor thing. Maybe she has a mask on and the "plastic surgery" was all for show as well and once the divorce is final she'll peel off that mask and be back to cute Heidi. Either way, The Hills showed Heidi giving up everything for Spencer, even her job, although that could have been fake too. Who knows, but I still feel sorry for her. Fake or not, no one deserves someone like him. They bought a house together even! Again, I may be looking at this too literally and she may be in on the fake. For all I know, the divorce papers are all just a publicity stunt to keep them in the spot light. After all, they were kept out of a lot of The Hills episodes towards the end. They might just be in dire need of attention.

Nonfail Blog Friday

I have been talking about Heidi Montag a lot lately with the recent return of The Hills, her insane plastic surgery, and her psychotic husband. I mean, how is one supposed to let that go? It’s just insane and more than likely all a publicity stunt. This past weekend, there was an article in The New Yorker entitled “Hi From Heidi” and it’s her message to God regarding her plastic surgery. It’s a little long, but very much worth the read. Very funny and clever and the fact that it’s written by a male, Paul Rudnick, just kills me. Enjoy and happy weekend all!

The reality-show personality Heidi Montag recently underwent ten plastic-surgery procedures on a single day. Montag told People that, before deciding to take these measures, “I prayed about it for a long time and said, ‘God, if it’s wrong, then I won’t do it.’ ” The full text of Montag’s prayer has only recently been made available:

Dear Lord:
As You probably know, because I guess You sort of know everything, I’m thinking about having a mini brow lift; lipo on my neck, waist, hips, and thighs; a chin reduction; an ear job; fat injections in my cheeks, nasolabial folds, and lips; a revision of my previous rhinoplasty; a redo of my earlier breast implants; Botox injections in my forehead and frown area; and a buttocks augmentation, if that is Thy will.

I won’t go ahead with any of this if You don’t approve, but I keep thinking, Why would God have made my plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, so totally cute if He didn’t want me to use him? Although, of course, I also wondered, Why did God make my hips and thighs, both inner and outer, a teeny bit chunky, and why did He dig those grooves around my nose? But then I thought, Maybe because God creates so many gazillions of new people every day there are bound to be some manufacturing imperfections, so in a way my nose is just a facial Toyota. Or maybe my parents never prayed enough, so God said, “I’m going to teach them a spiritual lesson by sending them a daughter with low, almost angry-looking eyebrows.” I bet that Angelina Jolie’s mother prayed every second of the day, especially for Angelina’s lips. Sometimes I just want to call up my mother and say, “Gee, thanks, Mom. Maybe I wouldn’t need to have my ears pinned back if you hadn’t spent so much time worshipping Satan.”

But I’m probably just being selfish, and I’m sure that You get tons of requests about correcting body parts. I mean, the cast of “Desperate Housewives” must have You on Speed-Prayer. And I know that my body-image issues aren’t Your No. 1 priority, because there are starving people and the ozone layer and this girl I know from my TV show who has, like, enough cellulite to stucco a split-level with a three-car garage. And I don’t think that I’m special in any way, so, even if You can’t get back to me, like, today, it’s totally O.K., because maybe there’s a hurricane somewhere, or an earthquake, and a lot of the victims will be asking, “While You’re saving my leg, could You also do something about my older daughter’s upper arms, because she isn’t getting any younger, and I don’t want to have to send her over to the next village?”

You are just so awesomely amazing, and I hate to even, like, bring this up, but I just keep wondering, if You’re so all-powerful and everything, why is there war? And by war I mean that hater who tweeted, “Heidi Montag already looks like a hooker-shaped air mattress.”

Why do You let people say stuff like that, and kill each other with guns? And why do some people, even if they’re really nice, no matter what their ex-best friends say—why don’t You give those people their own eyewear collections?

My husband, Spencer, says that God sends us bad stuff to test us and to help us grow stronger, and I asked him, “Do you mean bad stuff like people telling me I have a Leno chin?,” and Spencer said, “Exactly,” and I said, “Well, your scraggly beard is the same color as your skin,” and he said, “Babe, if God wanted us to fight He would have made one of us a Muslim and the other one a regular person.”

Sometimes I even wonder about those commandments, like when You said, “Thou shalt not kill.” Does that include spiders and germs and people who are just taking their own sweet time crossing the street when I’m already forty-five minutes late for a meeting with my publicist? And when You said, “Thou shalt not steal,” does that cover other people’s boyfriends and the tops that they never wear and just leave lying around, and a really cute baby that you just want to borrow for, like, fifteen minutes to show your surgeon what you want your new face to feel like? And, I just have to say it, ten commandments are a lot. Couldn’t you change some of them to be, like, “Thou shalt not ask Heidi on a talk show if her marriage is real”?

These are just suggestions, but maybe You should jot them down.

Anyway, thank You so much for listening to me and all my tiny problems, some of which will hopefully get tinier and two of which should probably get twice as big, don’t You agree? Because I was thinking that if I can look really pretty and perfect then I can be Your best possible advertisement. It’s, like, people already look at me and sometimes I hear them whisper, “Dear God.” I’m not saying that You don’t love chubby and unattractive people; it’s just that Your making them chubby and unattractive is a handy way of saying, “Oh, look, there go some godless people.” Or, as I like to think of them, people without their own shows. Or, as Spencer calls them, our fans.

Bye from Heidi.

In the Matrix

Sigh. I just don't know what to say about Heidi Montag. She just keeps getting worse and worse and I totally blame Spencer. She wrote on her Twitter page the other day how her surgery was the best decision she ever made and basically everyone else can go suck it.

"My last surgery was the best decision of my life! Anything anyone else says (family members who are trying to make money off of me) is a lie! I have never felt sexier, happier, or more amazing in my own skin. I truly look the way I have always dreamed."

That's so sad. She would give up her friends and family for stupid plastic surgery, which is just that, plastic and fake. Your family is real. Your friends are real. That girls needs some serious therapy and time away from Spencer. She also talked about how she has no friends. Hmmm. I wonder why.

"I have no friends! The ones who are pretending to be 'friends' or 'family,' are crazy, angry, broke and BITTER. This is why they haven't been in my life for years. Liars!"

How does someone pretend to be your family? I don't understand. On another note, Spencer said in the latest episode of The Hills that Heidi wasn't allowed on the internet so how did she manage to write this Twitter post? Does she sit in the closet with the computer while Spencer is sleeping? Makes me wonder if Spencer wrote this for her....

I Want To Live in the Hills

How did anyone let me go a week without talking about The Hills being back? This is the last season of The Hills and I’m sad. I’m going to miss the ridiculous drama. Heidi totally changed her face and now she’s kind of scary to look at so I won’t miss that, but the rest of the drama is too hard to pass up. Fights and break-ups and drugs and everything typical in the Hollywood spot light. I need my fix! But it’s MTV and I have no doubt they will have another show soon to replace it with even more drama to light up my life. Who doesn’t want to watch 20 something year olds making a million dollars per episode and then living in really nice houses? These kids are going to need to find jobs once the show stops filming. I want that kind of income just for creating unnecessary drama. How can I get my own MTV show that follows me around as I hang with my friends? They could film us on the swings at the park or playing catch or even watching a Disney movie. We are super exciting and need to be filmed!

Not only is this the last season, but the first episode was already super drama filled. Heidi started the season with 10 new changes to her body and her family completely disapproved and to top it off Spencer has completely fallen off his rocker. He surrounds himself with crystals and “good spirits” and all this crazy stuff. What the hell happened to Spencer and Heidi? Is this all created for the show? Spencer doesn’t look like a hobo anymore, so that’s good, but he’s insane right now. The latest episode from Tuesday shows just how crazy he’s become. He literally walks into his friend’s house hyperventilating over a fight he had with his sister and holds a crystal up to his forehead to calm him down. Crystals are typically used for healings and what not, but he takes it too far. I’m sure there’s even more craziness to come.

Fail Blog Friday

This blog started out like any other fail blog. It started out with the telling of some spoiled reality TV stars, but it has turned sour. Really sour. This may be a sad day for most. It sure is for me. My original intention with this blog was to show how ridiculous and spoiled Spencer Pratt is from The Hills. He was fighting with producers and was kicked off the set and he was being restless and this and that. That’s all this blog was going to be about until I Googled his name. Ladies and gentleman, The Hills has ended. Yes, you read that right. Spencer and Heidi will not be returning. The entire show has been pulled. The season that will air at the end of April is it. Too bad for Kristen Cavallari. She came onto the show hoping to make another Laguna Beach happen, but she was on for one season and now the show is over. Am I sad? A little bit, yeah. Lauren Conrad started the show and then left and that made me sad and I wasn’t sure if I would keep watching, but to see the show end completely makes me really sad. Who will we make fun of now? What will MTV do to make up for this loss? I guess we will have to wait and hope. The thing that scares me the most is that Spencer and Heidi crave the spot light so who the hell knows what they’re going to do next to keep the light on them. Sad Friday y’all.

Fail Blog Friday

This is a fail beyond fails I think. We all know the infamous couple, Spencer and Heidi from The Hills. They are well known for basically hating each other so much that they love each other. They keep secrets from one another, they go behind each other’s backs, and yet they are married and live in a very expensive house in the Hollywood hills.

Recently, I read an article that said that Heidi had 10 plastic surgeries in one day, which I don’t understand because she was a cute girl to begin with. I’m not even sure what she had done, but now she basically looks like Barbie.

Here is where it gets worse; I heard on the radio the other morning that Spencer is thinking of following in her footsteps. He wants to get a nose job and some chest implants. Talk about a couple who has allowed fame and fortune to go to their heads and all because they were on a ridiculous MTV reality show. I’m really happy that Lauren Conrad got off the show even though they started it for her and I’m glad she dropped Heidi as a friend. Lauren always seemed to have a good head on her shoulders. Spencer and Heidi are easily influenced and all this plastic surgery is freaking ridiculous. Happy look like yourself Friday!

It’s Baaaaaack

The kids from The Hills are back in town starting tonight without the star, Lauren Conrad. Lauren decided that last season was going to be her last season and therefore, the entire show is going to be focused on Heidi and Spencer. The couple we should all aspire to be. Lauren has been replaced by one of her co-stars from Laguna Beach, which was the show that began all reality shows along side The Real World. Yes, we can all blame MTV for reality TV. They were the first. Anyway, the replacement of Lauren and the focus shift to Heidi and Spencer is sure to cause more drama. Woot! What an awesome night of television. I am truly excited. I asked myself if I would watch the show after Lauren left and I think I have to. I think we all have to.

The previews show Heidi ready for a baby and Spencer just isn’t having it. Come on people this is good TV. We have to watch as the ridiculous marriage of Heidi and Spencer unfolds. So don’t call me at 10pm tonight, I will be watching The Hills.